Two Very Common Ways Teen Girls Get Trafficked

She's young and looking for someone to give her value and worth through what she calls love. He finds her on the internet...

She needs a job, and a friend takes her hand and says she'll provide...

The video below is Chinese, showing that this problem is not just in our country but worldwide. It is worth watching. In it you hear the stories from girls, what they are thinking along the process of getting trapped.

On the site, the creators posted, "This DVD will be shown in middle and high schools all over China. We have also posted it on many Chinese websites, please pray this video will be a big hit and many young women will be warned about the dangers of traffickers."

I wish we had something like this showing in American schools! The average age for a girls in the US to get trafficked is 12-14, when they are young enough to often not know the dangers. A video like this makes them aware enough so that, if confronted with such situations, they will know to think twice before assuming what's presented to them is good.



Once a girl is trafficked, her life span lowers to an average of only 5 years. Better than rescuing them after they are trafficked is rescuing them before they are trafficked. Videos like this help do that. Feel free to pass it along!


Related Posts: Trafficking and Your Teens-the Day I got Propositioned Online

Trafficking, 12-year-olds, and Willow Smith's new Music Video

Trafficking and Your Teens--the Day I Got Propositioned Online

I'm not a teenager. I'm not gorgeous and don't post photos of myself on Facebook wearing low tops or bikinis (we can all say thanks for that!). Nevertheless, I've been propositioned online. The first time, I wasn't sure that's what it was, wrote the guy back, etc. I think of that now and wonder how many women or girls, younger than me, who aren't aware of the tactics, have encountered that situation and walked right into something dangerous.

If you have teens, or even for yourself, those natural internal red flags could save your life. For young people, though, their familiarity with social media might bypass some of those things we'd recognize as predatory, leaving them more vulnerable.

So what happened with me? I sold my hair online. If you've ever read The Gift of the Magi, you may sigh at my idea of selling my waist-long hair to buy Christmas gifts for my husband one year (yes, that really is why, and yes, I do love that story so it felt pretty cool doing it in real life). I had found a website where you could sell your hair, like selling an outfit on e-bay to people who use it to make wigs or dolls or whatever. I thought that was pretty exciting, so took pictures of my long, thick hair and posted them. No pictures of my face. No personal info.

The 14 inches of hair I sold.

I heard back from one guy who offered a certain amount and I was to send the hair to him after I got it cut according to his very specific directions.

I heard from another guy who offered more than double that other offer, and he liked to cut the hair himself, so could I meet him at his office after hours or at a hotel?

Red flag. I thought that was strange, but being new to this, I wondered if I was overreacting. When my husband came home, I had him read the message, and it wasn't unclear to him at all. Then I mentioned the price he offered to the other guy who wanted to buy my hair and he wrote back saying, "You don't know much about men, do you?"

Guess not. Not those kind of men anyway!

On to the next situation. This one wasn't so creepy, just some guy who wanted to friend me on Facebook. I get a lot of friend requests from people I've met at speaking events or who have read my books, so I accepted this guy's not thinking much it. Here's part of the message I got next...


...When i saw your profile,i was thrilled,every thing about you interests me,you look honest,caring,and above all you are beautiful.I want to have a communication with you and see where it leads us,do not mind the age difference as its onlya number while distance can be countered with a good communication...

Even if the grammar and punctuation hadn't been atrocious, the man's suggestions let me know I didn't want to be his friend after all. But then I think of young girls who might get a message like that, one that is well-written, accompanied by a picture of, say, a seventeen-year-old guy, who tells them they are beautiful, they could be a model, who feeds into their desire for worth and acceptance. In time, this new "friend," suggests they meet somewhere, emphasizing the appealing secrecy of their relationship, telling them not to tell anyone and to come alone.

Most of us would have red flags waving all over the place, but what if you're a girl in a lousy home situation, you desperately want to escape, and he's offering a way out? What if you're insecure and he makes you feel like you matter? What if whoever he is begins posing as a girl the same age and you've decided she's your best friend and the only person you can trust?

The internet has become a large playground for predators, and this is one of the ways trafficking happens.

This post isn't to scare you into never letting your kids touch a computer. However, it is to warn you what is out there, and hopefully give you some ways to avoid the dangers, such as:

1. From the beginning, make it clear with your children that you have access to every social media account your kids have. They'll think it's mean. Do it anyway.

2. Every once in awhile, check into their accounts, see what kinds of friends they have, what kinds of posts they make. For one, it will help you know them better, for another, it will give you a springboard of topics to talk about, and for another, you may feel those red flags in places they might not. I'd actually recommend doing this with them present, try to make it an opportunity to get to meet their friends and see what's important to them.

3. Care more about them than what they think of you. If it comes down to it, don't let them continue a dangerous behavior or friendship just because you don't want them mad at you. I think of that girl who got raped in Steubenville. Why were no parents mentioned in regard to that entire night? Did none of those parents care that their teens were in compromising positions? I don't know, but I wonder if there were worried parents all over town that night, who had allowed their kids to go to that party because they didn't want to say no and have their kids be unpopular or upset, hoping it would work out. It didn't work out.

4. Know what to do. The guy who wanted me to meet him in a hotel--I wanted to report him but had no idea how to, so I didn't. He probably moved on to someone more vulnerable, or who really needed the money, and fed his line to her. Please memorize the trafficking phone number (which didn't exist back then) and use it if you suspect any predatory activity. 1-888-373-7888

5. Point out situations and teach your kids to be aware, and what to do if they see something. A friend just yesterday told me she'd seen something at night in her small, nice little town. She described what she saw and right away I gave her the trafficking hotline. The thing that bothered her most was all the people who saw and moved on, not doing anything about it. People who don't know what to do often do nothing. Don't be that person when it comes to your teens.

That's all I have for the moment, but what about you? Any thoughts to add from your own knowledge and experience?

Trafficking, 12-year-olds, and Willow Smith's new Music Video

I have spoken on human trafficking in churches and school, libraries and conference rooms, to groups of hundreds and groups of less than a dozen. I have researched and studied trafficking, and discovered things I have shared with many others. I have also discovered things so horrible I will never tell you.

Tonight, I came across Willow Smith's new music video about having a summer fling, and I'm so disturbed I can't not write about it. Not the video itself, or the music, but how it collides with something else--a statistic.

Willow Smith is twelve years old.

The average age for an American girl to get trafficked is 12-14.

Before you think I've gone off the deep end, let me share with you what was disturbing to me about the video, and then please take the time to let me say why.

What disturbed me about what I heard in the song:
1. She's taking walks at midnight and lying on the beach with a guy she barely knows.
2. She's calling him, he's calling her, hanging out, kissing.
3. She mentions many times, "It's just a couple months, but we do it anyway."
4. She talks about them saying, "I love you," when the whole song is about it being just a summer fling.
5. "You say that I'm the one. I say it's just for fun."

What disturbed me about what I saw in the video:
1. A twelve-year-old flirting, touching, being touched, by a guy she barely knows.
2. The guy being nowhere near twelve years old.
3. Lots of couples touching, including what I think was a lesbian couple (with colored hair and lots of tattoos--maybe to show her sense of diversity?)
4. Absolutely no adults anywhere.




Now, before you think I'm saying Willow Smith has anything to do with trafficking, I'll say now I seriously doubt she has any idea her music video and song present a recipe traffickers love.

And that's my point.

Back to the statistic that the average age for a girl to get trafficked is 12-14. Why do you think that is?

I don't think 12-14-year-olds are targeted because girls are most desirable at that age. Trafficking is exploiting vulnerability, and younger girls are more vulnerable to exploitation. They are ripe for targeting. They are easier to lie to, entice, and ultimately take into a world so destructive, the life expectancy is a mere five years.

Here's what I'm talking about. Willow Smith's video shows girls that having an older guy pay attention to them is cool and makes them cool. Having him call them, pursue them, and touch them, despite not knowing them for very long, and having no intention of building a genuine lasting relationship, is cool. As she sings over and over (and over--52 times that I counted), "...do it anyway."

Traffickers know this is a very effective seduction to young girls. A trafficker isn't necessarily an old, ugly guy who looks like the bad guy. Sometimes they are young, well-dressed, and very attractive. These traffickers know that a young girl feels special when an older guy notices her, pays attention to her, gives her things. So a trafficker targets a girl who is vulnerable (say, one who is looking for approval, shows off her body to get attention, has no adult keeping track of her schedule or activities, or is considering running away). He finds out what she longs for and provides it. He becomes what she needs, until she not only trusts him, but feels loved by him. As one very effective trafficker said with a smile, "I sell dreams."

Willow Smith's video scares me. Not just for her (Why would her parents let her be out at midnight with some guy they don't even know, much less make a song and video about it?), but for all the 12 and 10 and 8-year-old girls who are going to watch it, memorize the song, and wish they could be like her.

(FYI: If you think I'm going for shock factor here, trying to convince you of something, I'd like to let you know that what I'm saying is just surface information. This doesn't even touch the shock value aspects of this.)

So what should parents do? If you have a young girl, help her choose her influences wisely. Use things like this music video to start conversations about things that really matter. This short video could spark questions like:
1. Do you think a girl that young should have a boyfriend? Why or why not?
2. Do you think having a relationship with someone you don't really know is good? Can you think of how it could be bad or dangerous?
3. Why do you think I don't let you _______________?
4. What should you do if a guy you like starts to _____________________?
5. Do you know where the line is between touching that is okay and touching that is not?
6. If someone crosses that line, do you know that it's okay to do whatever you have to do to get away from him? What are some things you could do?

As much as I wish it were not true, 12-year-old girls need to know what is the boundary between acceptable and unacceptable touch. They need to be trained on how to get out of a dangerous situation. And they need to know that if something bad happens to them, that you are never going to blame them for it, but you will help them. They need to know to never keep something like that a secret, and they need to know if they came to you and told you something like that, that you would not brush it off or let it fall into silence.

They also need to know the lines exploiters use, such as:
1. If you love me, you'll ___________.
2. You owe me.
3. It's your fault because of what you wore/said/did.
4. You're bad. You shouldn't tell because everyone will know you did something bad.
5. If you tell, I'll _______________________.
6. I couldn't help it. I'll never do it again.

I hate the idea of even talking about this with my daughter when she gets older. Before I started studying trafficking, I thought age 16 would be a good age to bring it up. Maybe 15. I never imagined I'd have to be ready to discuss this at age 10or 11.

But unfortunately, that's one of the reasons 12-14 year olds are so exploitable. Their lack of knowledge and lack of training makes them vulnerable. Add to that a culture that says being pursued by an older guy when you're a pre-teen makes you special, and you have a truly dangerous situation.

Perhaps this music video will show parents that they should be more involved in what their children watch and listen to. Perhaps it will convince us to talk with our children and prepare them for this world. Perhaps it will even spark the desire to give them an understanding of their own value, so much so that they don't need to get their sense of worth from a summer fling, an older guy, or even a famous music career.

If that happens, then maybe watching the video wasn't a bad thing after all.

What do you think this video tells young girls? Do you think the controversy over this video is warranted?

Related Posts:   Nancy Drew Isn't Real and the Traffickers aren't that Stupid

Pretty Woman and the Media's Galmourization of Prostitution

Beyonce's Halftime Show and Human Trafficking

Kermit Gosnell, Abortion, and Human Trafficking

I write and speak and research on human trafficking. A lot. But one thing I have to avoid is the trafficking of young children. I can tell people that 300 children are sold in Atlanta every month, but I cannot bear to study what happens to so many of those children. It is unspeakable.

Many define human trafficking as the buying and selling of people--of bodies--yet it encompasses much more than that. International Consultant Lauran Bethall, in Nefarius, defines it as "the exploitation of vulnerability."

Do Kermit Gosnell's actions not fill that definition to the brim?. His story is sickening because he harmed children too small to defend themselves, too helpless to speak up for their rights. In my opinion, this is human trafficking at its worst--one person benefiting from the exploitation and destruction of those too helpless to fight back.

When I was 12 weeks pregnant, I had my first ultrasound in a little hospital via-5-seater-airplane in Indonesia. My tiny baby son, enjoying the orange juice I'd had awhile earlier, twirled and kicked and flipped, to the delight of everyone in the room. It was one of the most precious things I'd ever seen.

No one on the planet could have convinced me that my baby was "just" a fetus, and I could destroy his life at will without guilt.

My second child was born 6 1/2 weeks early. The moment she was born, had someone taken scissors and cut her spine, it would have been murder. However, had someone done the same exact thing thirty minutes before she exited my body, it would be called late-term abortion.

You may not agree with me, but I consider abortion to be the worst kind of human trafficking.

If you have had an abortion, I do not condemn you. You have suffered, and Jesus holds out forgiveness, freedom, and peace to you. As one commentor said:
"Those who are in favor of abortion like to call themselves 'pro-choice'  But this is not accurate at all.  The women I know who had abortions did not have them because they believed abortion to be a good choice.  They had abortions because a lack of financial, medical, or psychological support made them feel as if they had NO choice.  Tragically, they now realize the so-called 'choice' they made will haunt them for the rest of their lives."  Why I Didn't Write About Gosnell's Trial

Were it in my right to condemn, I would point toward those who not only do these things, but teach others that it is right. Those who, like Gosnell, actually break babies in pieces and throw them in the trash (whether out of the womb or inside--logically, what is the difference?), and those who, by their silence, give their approval. 14 Theories for Why Kermit Gosnell's Case Didn't Get More Attention

The media ignored Gosnell's story completely, until finally the American public gave such an outcry that their silence became embarrassingly obvious. Media Acknowledge Blowing Gosnell Story

Edmund Burke once said, "All it takes for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." He also said there comes a time when forbearance ceases to be a virtue.

I have an even better quote from a higher authority. For anyone who does not think it matters:
Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven. Matthew 18:10

For anyone who thinks it's not your problem:
Open your mouth for the speechless,in the cause of all who are appointed to die.Open your mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:8-9

As Ann Vonskamp said, For Christ followers, it’s more than being pro-choice and pro-life — it’s about always being pro-the-least-of-these. What Gosenell and the Gospel mean for the Brave

When someone charges into a school and shoots kindergarten children, the world is outraged and horrified. However, if every single one of those exact same children had been killed before birth, they would just be a few more in the 1 million children silenced each year in our nation. Those broken and discarded each year at 12 weeks, when I had my ultrasound: over 110,000. Those killed at 21+ weeks, up to and past the time when my precious little girl was born: over 18,000 a year.

You may disagree that abortion is human trafficking. That's fine. But can you see how the one perspective feeds the other? If it is okay to decide that certain life can be destroyed without guilt, is it not also okay to decide certain people can be abused without guilt?

If a puppy was cut into pieces and thrown in the trash, it would be "inhumane."

If an eagle still inside it's egg is harmed, it is a federal crime.

If it happens to a baby outside the womb, it is murder.

If it happens to a baby inside the womb, it's funded by the government, promoted by a company with "parenthood" in its title, and shoved down our cultural throats by the media.

In my opinion, Grosnell is a human trafficker. He will answer to God for what he has done.

We also will answer to God for what we do, or don't do, in the face of a nation that says killing babies is okay as long as they are tucked safely inside a woman's body and we cannot watch them die or hear them scream.

Does it take a trial like Gosnell's to make it clear, or are we just choosing to look the other way?

For I, the LORD, love justice. Isaiah 61:8

And they have built the high places...to burn their sons and their daughters in the fire; which I commanded them not, neither came it into my heart.Therefore, behold, the days come, saith the Lord, that it shall no more be called Tophet...but the valley of slaughter: 

for they shall bury in Tophet, till there be no place. Jeremiah 7:31-32

Statistics from: Q&A about Abortion

Related Articles: Beyonce and Human Trafficking

A Letter to Victoria Secret from a Father

The average age for a girl in America to be trafficked is 12-14. Out society's sexualization of young girls only fuels this problem.

Men are not always the problem. Sometimes they are the heroes, the solution.

One such man, a father who believes girls should have value beyond their bodies, has written a letter to Victory Secret. The letter got over two million views and was addressed on multiple news outlets. I loved it so much, I asked him if I could share it with you.

He said yes.

*********

Dear Victoria’s Secret,

I am a father of a three year old girl. She loves princesses, Dora the Explorer, Doc McStuffins and drawing pictures for people. Her favorite foods are peanut butter and jelly, cheese and pistachios.

Even though she is only three, as a parent I have had those thoughts of my daughter growing up and not being the little girl she is now. It is true what they say about kids, they grow up fast. No matter how hard I try I know that she will not be the little ball of energy she is now; one day she will be a rebellious teenager that will more than likely think her dad is a total goof ball and would want to distance herself from my embarrassing presence.

I know that this is far down the line and I try to spend as much time as I can with her making memories of this special time.

But as I read an article today posted on The Black Sphere, it really got me thinking that maybe the culture that we currently find ourselves in is not helping the cause.

Recently I read an article that Victoria’s Secret is launching a line of underwear and bras aimed at middle school aged children. The line will be called “Bright Young Things” and will feature ” lace black cheeksters with the word “Wild” emblazoned on them, green and white polka-dot hipsters screen printed with “Feeling Lucky?” and a lace trim thong with the words, “Call me” on the front.”

As a dad, this makes me sick.

This one's called "The Date Panty"

I believe that this sends the wrong message to not only my daughter but to all young girls.
 
I don’t want my daughter to ever think that her self-worth and acceptance by others is based on the choice of her undergarments. I don’t want my daughter to ever think that to be popular or even attractive she has to have emblazon words on her bottom. 

I want my daughter (and every girl) to be faced with tough decisions in her formative years of adolescence. Decisions like should I be a doctor or a lawyer? Should I take calculus as a junior or a senior? Do I want to go to Texas A&M or University of Texas or some Ivy League School? Should I raise awareness for slave trafficking or lack of water in developing nations? There are many, many more questions that all young women should be asking themselves… not will a boy (or girl) like me if I wear a “call me” thong?

I want my daughter to know that she is perfect the way she is; I want my daughter to know that no matter what underwear she is wearing it does not define her.

I believe that this new line “Bright Young Things” thwarts the efforts of empowering young women in this country. “Bright Young Things” gives off the message that women are sex objects. This new line promotes it at a dangerously young age.

I implore you to reconsider your decision to start this line.

By doing so you will put young girl’s self-esteem, self-worth and pride above profits.

Sincerely,
Rev. Evan Dolive
Houston, TX

*********

Thank you to Rev. Evan and all the men out there who value their daughters, their wives, and all women. Every girl needs to know there are men who want to defend them, not exploit them.

Please leave a comment below for Rev. Evan, Victoria's Secret, or any girl tempted to place her value in her body or what she wears.


Related Posts: Nancy Drew Isn't Real and the Traffickers aren't that Stupid

Pretty Woman and the Media's Glamorization of Prostitution

Part 2-What to do with your Priority Pyramid

Did you create your priority pyramid from Wednesday’s post? If you missed it, here’s Part 1: Time Management with a Priority Pyramid-Part 1.

Now on to Part 2—what to do with it!

Once you have your pyramid filled in, I recommend bringing it to your devotions for several days and talking with God about what is listed there. Here are a few things you could ask Him for direction about:

1. What really belongs in my MUST category? Are the things listed there God's priorities for me, or priorities I have chosen for myself?

2. Are there things in my SHOULD category that I am doing for the wrong reasons? (Example: trying to prove I'm spiritual by being involved in too many church activities, spending too much time keeping my house spotless because I'm worried people will judge me if I don't.)

3. What are the things in my WANT category that are blessed by God and I have permission to prioritize them?

4. Should anything be removed from my list? Added? Changed to a different category?

After you've prayed over your list and, with God's direction, placed things where they should be, now comes the application. How do you apply all this to your actual daily life?

Just like a money budget, you allocate according to the priorities. You schedule non-negotiable time for the highest priorities, and move down the pyramid.

For example, if I MUST be a godly wife, I need to prioritize time with my husband. That can easily get swiped away by things in my SHOULD or WANT or even extra category if I do not intentionally set aside and protect that time.

We're in the same room. Does that count?

Another example: if God wants me to write, but when I get on the computer I end up getting caught up in social media or pinterest or whatever, I need to give myself some boundaries. Maybe even use a timer. Say I have 3 hours. I can decide to give 1 hour to checking e-mail, Facebook, etc., but then when that hour is up, I choose to shut off the internet and spend the other 2 hours writing. That kind of self-control is hard, but I'd like to get there! =)


If I'm finding there are more things to be done than time to do them, I can check to see if I can combine some of my SHOULD or WANT items. Such as: I can combine cooking healthy meals for my family, training my children to be responsible with chores, and family Scripture memorization all by having a set time when my children help me with dinner. I train them as they help me, and we can work on our memory verses while we cook and set the table. Again, this takes purposeful ahead-of-time planning.

I need to let some of my SHOULD things go. Having health problems means limitations, so I need to stop stressing if my house isn't perfectly clean or I'm not involved in as much as I feel I should be. And remember, just because something is on your SHOULD list doesn't mean it should be on everyone's!

This is not and never will be what my kitchen looks like. =)

Also, some seasons in life require us to shift our list entirely to focus on a loved one during a crisis or set aside certain use of our gifts while our children are young. What God wants us to spend our time on now may not be forever, so don't get discouraged if God asks you to set aside some things for now that feel important to you.

My babies, who should be more important than my SHOULDs and WANTs.

Time is easily spent, just like money, on things we do not intend to prioritize. Sometimes it is something as simple as turning off the TV for a week. The average American watches something like 4 hours of TV a day. There are those extra hours people love to say they wish they had!

I need to be better with my time, more intentional. I don't want to squander it away. So now I have my pyramid filled out and will be praying on how to apply this. How about you? What do you find sucks away time from your day without you realizing it? Are there things you realized you were spending time on that were taking away from other, more important, priorities?

...redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. Ephesians 5:16-17

Time Management with a Priority Pyramid

"If I could just add a couple of hours on to my day..."

A millionaire was once asked how much money was enough. His answer: "Just a little bit more."

Many of us struggle with feeling like finances are tight, and if we had just a little more, we'd be happier. Ironically, we often think the same thing about time.

The reason it is ironic is because, while people have all different levels of income, when it comes to time, every person on the planet has exactly the same amount. We all have 24 hours in every single day. There is no option of a little bit more. Ever.

Do you think the following statements are true?

1. You have exactly the same amount of time to spend each day as everyone else.

2. God has given you enough time today to do what He wants you to do today.

3. If you have more to do than you have time for, then there is more on your list than God intends for you.

Strange, isn't it, how if someone is greedy for more money, we recognize that as being ungodly, but if someone is greedy for more time, we often see that as spiritual rather than the same exact ungodly greed? Our intentions may be good--we want more time so we can do more for God or others--but what we're really saying is that God is not giving us what we need.

So, if we have enough time to do all God wants us to do, but are feeling stressed and stretched and burdened by too much to do, then something needs to change. And it's not just trying to fix what we do. That's putting a band-aid on an infection but not treating its source. Time management principles are great, but do little good if the priorities behind them are not addressed.

Therefore, instead of giving time management tips, let's first look at the things that fill up our time. What do we do with the time we are given? Why do we do it?

If you want to be a good steward with money, you need a budget. Without one, you end up spending money on less-important things and neglecting your higher priorities. Time is no different. So here's how to start thinking through how to budget your time.

Get a blank sheet of paper (or a poster-board if you're really feeling motivated) and draw a large pyramid. Separate it into 4 categories using horizontal lines. Ready? Now fill it in, top to bottom, with the following categories:


1. What I MUST do.
2. What I SHOULD do.
3. What I WANT to do.
4. Extra stuff that takes up time.

Like a food pyramid, without the food. =)

Here's how the categories work for me:
1. What I MUST do. This only gets up to 3 things, the roles God has given me, the things I believe He has called me to be that deserve my highest priority. (Example: Being a godly wife and mother, helping women see their worth in Christ.)

2. What I SHOULD do. This category is the largest for me, those things that nag at me, that feel urgent. (Example: Be involved in church, keeping the house clean, building relationships with neighbors, keeping up with correspondence, etc.)

3. What I WANT to do. These are the things I would fill up my time with if I had a limitless supply. (Example: Writing for fun, reading, taking a painting class.)

4. Extra stuff that takes up time. Our days are filled with requirements that aren't necessarily priorities but just have to get done, like brushing our teeth (though I suppose that should go in the SHOULD category!), shuttling the kids (yes, that goes under being a godly mother, but in the day-to-day it feels like the extra stuff--you decide how yours works for you) or paying bills.

Now what? Part 2 (what to do with your pyramid) coming Friday!

Special Post: Can something be Good but not Right?

Monday I talked about grieving the loss of parts of myself, things I loved that have been taken away because of illness.

This latest one, my speaking ministry, is one that God is asking me to remove myself. I could keep it. I could keep going as I am. However, He has shown me that, right now, this needs to go because my health is suffering because of it.

Then He opened my eyes and showed me it was also about much more than my health.

There is a verse in Scripture where Jesus talks about actually removing parts of ourselves. If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away (Matthew 5:29, 18:9, Mark 9:47). If your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you (Matthew 5:30, 18:8, Mark 9:43-45). Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Who would do that to themselves? Why put yourself through pain and anguish, give yourself a lifelong limitation, remove something that is good and helpful and useful on purpose?

Jesus said we should because it is better to enter eternal life maimed than to have everything in this life and be lost.

That specifically applies to non-believers but there is a truth for me as well.

If something is causing me to walk at a distance from my Savior, no matter how good it is or how much good it does, it is not right. To remove it is painful, limiting and makes me less whole. To not remove it, however, is worse.

To keep speaking at this season when I am not stable with my health condition (Addison's disease, hypoglycemia, asthma, scoliosis and a cyst on my brain in case you were wondering) means staying up on higher dose of my daily steroid meds (oral hydrocortisone) so I can continue to function. One of the symptoms of being on the higher medication is a low-grade anger that makes me easily irritated and more stressed. If having a ministry means I cannot be as loving with my husband and children as God wants, that cannot be right.

Ironically, I've been working on this very principle with my young son. I've been teaching him the concept of these exact verses and sharing with him that something good (say playing Lego Star Wars on the Wii) becomes something bad if it makes us do or think wrong (pouting when he is asked to help instead of playing, having a bad attitude when it is time to stop). So if the Wii causes you to sin, it is better to throw it in the trash. You should see his eyes when I say that!

So I must cut off this hand, this useful, good thing, because during this season in my life it has become something not right. The cutting will be hard. I love speaking. I thrive on the meeting new people and the travel and having something to look forward to.

However, cutting it off is not just that moment of pain. It is also learning to live with one less hand, the adjustments that must be made to function with less of yourself, the daily reminder that you had to limit yourself to live right.

I'm not excited about this. Actually I'm crying if you really want to know. But I've stopped wanting to stomp my foot like a child and say it's not fair. I recognize with brokenness that this is not about a health problem. This is about me and Jesus Christ and how much I am willing to sacrifice to be more like Him than myself.

I'm sharing this with you for two reasons. For one, to make myself accountable. I know as soon as I stop feeling so sick, I will want to jump right back in my old habits and fill my schedule again. For another, I suppose I'm sharing it in case you are living something good that is not right. I thought that, because it was ministry and because there were so many good things about it, God would "protect" it in the sense that He would make it happen and make me healthy enough to continue doing it (which He would if that were His will and this was something He asked me to do for Him rather than me just doing it).

However, the other day I was reading about Eve and that forbidden fruit. God told her not to eat it. The fruit itself was not bad. In fact, when she considered it, she thought of all the good things about it (Genesis 3:6 It looked good, it was good for food, it would make her wise).  She lost the battle between sin and obedience thinking about how good it was rather than asking if it was right.

I don't want to live my life choosing things that are good but not right. However much this will hurt, I must stop making choices based on me--what I want, what I feel I need, what feels good and even fulfilling--and start asking God what is right and best. I know there is blessing in this choice, and move toward it despite my feelings. And I humbly ask that you pray for me, that I will not just purpose this right now, but actually do it.

Thank you. May the Lord give us sight to see beyond just the good to what is right. And may all of us have the courage to make the harder, better choice.

Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, 

let him deny himself, 

and take up his cross daily 

and follow Me.  

For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, 

but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. 

Luke 9:23-24

Special Post: If You Love Someone...

A friend of mine went to the grocery store. She saw an old man pick up a head of lettuce, then start crying.

She approached him. "Are you okay?"

He told her his wife of 60 years had just died, and she had always done all the grocery shopping.

My friend shopped with him that day, and I know that helped, but I just want to cry when I think of him. His story reminded me that life is fleeting, and passes so quickly, and sometimes we forget that. We trade our treasures for the distraction of shiny cheap trinkets.

So this weekend, if you love someone, let them know. Say it, show it.Ignore the phone, the computer, the TV for awhile and give them the gift of yourself. Your focused attention.

You'll have plenty of time to watch TV one day when they are gone.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Month--Running Away

Yesterday, I told you about admitting I needed a break and expecting God to give me a guilt-trip lecture on how I needed to get over myself and work harder.

I've been sick for weeks, on extra steroids, now dealing with the long term affects of the meds, including how they adversely affects my emotions. Sometimes my life and emotions seems one big response to medication. Am I even in there somewhere?

I've been feeling like Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. If you've never read that book, you should. He keeps saying he's going to move to Australia. I have no desire to run away to Australia; that's a really long plane flight and I get sick on planes. However, I might be inclined to make several of his facial expressions.

 

I can't keep up. I finally admitted it. I'm not getting enough rest, not getting better, dreading the weeks of tapering down that are coming once I do get well. Dreading all the drug withdrawals and still having to function when I just want to run away.

Instead of setting up a tent in my backyard, or moving to Australia, I asked my husband if I could check into preschool for Hope. She's my 4-year-old who is still at home. She's awesome, but not one for entertaining herself, and she's been getting the short end of the stick for months as I've battled all these chronic health problems. Nearly every day at lunch she prays, "Thank You for this food. Please help Mommy to get better."

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.

We hadn't put her into preschool before now because I chose to be a stay-at-home mommy. Not to mention the money. We've been saving to put the kids in Christian school starting this fall, plus paying medical stuff of course, and preschool is expensive. I had checked into it before and it was too much (I'm not a rich and famous author yet =)).

So asking to check into it again felt like a big fat failure on my part. I'm home. What a cop out. But the truth is, right now my illness is winning and I'm losing, and if I don't change something soon, I'm not sure what's going to happen but it's going to be bad. Long-term high steroid use is bad. Being sick for a long time is bad. Everything it does to my emotions is bad for me and everybody in my family. So admitting I might be a better mom if Hope went to preschool a few days a week and I was able to rest was hard, but the truth.

Did God frown and sigh at my weakness? Did He say yes but make sure I knew how disappointed He was?

Nope. I got a message from the lady who runs the preschool less than half a mile from our house. Not only did they have an opening for 3 days a week with no waiting list, but someone had given scholarship money they had not fully used yet and she had been thinking of Hope but didn't want to seem pushy. The scholarship is paying half. Half! It makes the whole thing more than affordable.

God not only gave me a run away; He blessed it. I'm wondering if He'd been just waiting for me to admit that I needed help so He could provide the solution I needed.

I shouldn't have felt guilty for needing help. I should have asked for it long ago. Why is it so hard to admit that I can't handle everything sometimes? Okay, because I'm a control freak. Because I'm a proud, insecure sinner who wants to be competent instead of weak. Who doesn't want to admit I can't do it all--not even close.

I suppose having these health problems will cure me of that if nothing else. Like those women having to leave the camp, I'm forced to stop sometimes. If I keep thinking it's a bad thing, I'll never appreciate it for the gift it is.

Instead of a lecture, God is giving me 3 mornings a week. I'll be able to get more of the rest--physically and emotionally--that I need. Hopefully, it will mean that when my family is home I will be able to be more loving and giving instead of always longing for that little bit of run away.

What about you? What have you needed but not asked God for because you felt guilty? It may be something as simple as some encouragement in your day, or the reminder that you are loved.

After all, God gave us the bodies and personalities they have. He knows the weaknesses that come with them. Why do we try to pretend them away?

Seems I'm not the only one who has this problem.

Yeah, that's more like it.

I'm done trying to be superwoman. That big "S" stands for "sick girl" instead. =) And it's okay.

Trust in him at all times ye people. Pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8

More on this refuge idea on Friday...



Related Posts: Feel Guilty, Angry, Sick--I Want To Run Away

When It's Just Too Much

Feel Guilty, Angry, Sick...I Want to Run Away

I'm angry. And tired. And sick.

I'm angry at being tired and sick. I'm tired of being sick and angry. I'm sick of being angry and tired.

That sounds redundant, but it actually isn't. Anyway...

It's been over a month now since I've been on high doses of steroids. There's no helping it. With Addison's, my immune system is compromised, and as long as anybody else in the house is sick, I need to stay on my higher doses until all of us are well again. Being up on the meds has it's good advantages--like not dying and stuff like that. It also has it's side effects--water retention, weight gain, insomnia, poofey face, and this intense feeling that I guess some might call aggression. I think of it as a low-grade anger. Do you know how hard it is to be a good wife and mom when you're ticked off before anybody even starts whining?!

It still creeps me out that JFK was getting shot up with this stuff (plus testosterone) during the Cuban Missile Crisis!

Back to me and my issues. I don't like to admit it, but I've been struggling this round more than usual. It feels like I just can't win. I feel like I'm supposed to be running forward, but all I can manage to do is keep from falling backward, so I'm not gaining any ground but I'm exhausted. I want a break so badly but feel guilty needing one. After all, shouldn't I be able to handle things? Wouldn't God only give me responsibilities I could manage on my own if I'd just quit being such a baby?

Supermom!This is not me.

Well, I finally broke down and admitted I needed help. I expected a guilt-trip lecture from God. What happened...well, first let me tell you about the women in the Bible who had cramps.

Yes, I know that sounds like a major subject change, but stick with me.

In the Old Testament, when a woman was on her period, she was required to leave the Israelite camp and remain outside it until she was "clean" again. Since I'm confessing here, I'll admit that I thought that was pretty mean of God. It wasn't their fault they were feeling like crud. To send them away seemed insult to injury.

"Go away!"

However, one day (probably when I had cramps and wanted to run away), I realized what a gift this actually was. For several days out of the month, God gave every woman in the camp a break. She left, got away, didn't have to force herself to respond to "What's for dinner?" or "Honey, do you know where I put my tunic?" or "Mom, the tent's leaking again!"

Wow, can I go, too? My family is wonderful. It's not them. It's me. Now, before you start envisioning me in a tent in my back yard (What a joke. For one, I can't see lugging all my prescriptions and food requirements out there, and for another I think 50 degrees is freezing so it just ain't gonna happen.), I came up with another idea for getting a break.

So finally, after months of telling myself to just keep going, just suck it up, just get over myself, I opened my mouth and said that I was not doing well. I'm not getting better. The steroids make it hard to sleep and I'm very, very tired. My emotions are freaking out and I just need some help with the everyday responsibilities.

Did God give me that guilt-trip lecture? No. What did He give me?

I'll tell you tomorrow...

Related Posts: My Name is Kimberly and I have Addison's Disease

When It's Just Too Much

Urgent Care, Steroids and Antibiotics--Here I Go Again

My Impossible, Ridiculous Until-New-Years Marriage Resolution

If you didn't see my post from last week, Confessing My Husband's Besetting Sin, And..., today's ridiculous resolution will likely seem...ridiculous. I have to say I'm feeling rather overwhelmed about it myself!

I have decided to fast from now until the end of the year. Not food. I have low blood sugar and can't go more than 3 hours without eating or I'll face miserable consequences (except overnight, where I can sleep longer than 3 hours, but have to set my alarm for 6 to get up and take pills and eat--in case you were curious).

I'm not fasting TV (don't care too much about TV), my computer (how would I get any work done?) or sugar-free chocolate (torture!).

No, I've decided to fast something regarding my marriage.

 

If you read from last week, you know that I have been realizing my unrealistic expectations are actually worse for my marriage than the things I feel are missing.

Therefore (drum-roll please), I have decided to try to fast expressing my disappointment or anger or whatever ends up coming out my mouth in the form of:

"Why didn't you just ___________________?"

"You could just just ___________________."

"I wish you hadn't ____________________."

"Couldn't you have just __________________?"

"I am irritated/angry/frustrated/upset that you did/didn't _________________________."

"Why can't you just _____________?"

...or any indirect version thereof. I've noticed how most of my "I'm frustrated" statements include the word "just," as if saying that shows that what I want is really a small thing, not so hard to do, and therefore I have the right to be unhappy and say so.

From now until January 1st, I have decided to fast my right to express what I wish my husband would or would not do, did or did not do differently.

If he comes home late and didn't let me know, not a word or reproach.

If he says something insensitive, or forgets something important to me, not one unhappy word.

Not to say I'm going to stuff it. I'm an excellent stuffer, and I used to be good at squashing down my feelings and disappointments because I didn't want to cause conflict. Well, if you do that, you know that is not good for anybody, as the stuffed stuff festers and combusts eventually. Thanks to my husband (who really is wonderful, in case you got the idea he was a jerk), I have learned how to express my feelings and actually address conflict in a healthy way.

However, as I seem to be an extremist, I seem to have swung to the other side of the pendulum, and now want to say whenever I am unhappy about my unmet expectations. Sometimes the thing itself isn't that big of a deal, but my feelings are, and I think, "If I just say it out loud, then I'll be able to get over it." That's good sometimes, but not something I should get into the habit of always doing. Not everything needs to be expressed.

As someone once said, "A great marriage is the joining of two good forgivers."

And so this will be my fast. Not for my husband's sake. For me and for the Lord. Just like fasting food gives us a chance to exercise self-control, as well as giving us an opportunity all throughout each day to choose to re-focus on feeding ourselves spiritually rather than physically, so this fast will give me an opportunity to grow in the Lord and honor Him. Each time I want to say something negative to my husband, it will be a trigger to me to hand that thing over to the Lord. I need to make a habit of giving the Lord my emotional needs, rather than dumping them all on my husband.

Will I be able to do it? Not sure. Do I really want to? Um....let's just say the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!

Want to come along? I am putting this here to be accountable, and plan to keep you posted on how things are going. If you want to join me, add your name below and we can pray for each other!



Related Posts: Confessing my Husband's Besetting Sin, and...

What Asthma Taught Me about Raw Feelings in My Marriage

The Stranger You Married

Special Post: For Parents Who Adopt...a Little Gift From Me

For anyone who has adopted a child...

Because it is sometimes hard to put your heart into words, I've written this piece below for you. You can put it on a card or print it to hang on a wall. Feel free to edit, shorten, or add to it; it is not copyrighted.

I admire you so much. To open your homes and your lives and bring a child in, by choice, is a beautiful, lifelong picture of the love of Jesus Christ. I hope this will help you share with your child just how valued they are.

Chosen

Right now you know no difference

Between the ones who gave you birth and

We who have chosen you for our own.

But someday, it will matter.

You will want to know where you came from.

We understand, and we will help you find the answers

You will seek.

But we want you to know,

That we, the ones who have asked for you,

Chose to be your parents.

We chose you to be our child.

And to us that matters more than who bore you physically.

You are part of our family,

A piece that had been missing.

No matter what you do or who you become

You are ours

By choice.

We love you.  We waited and hoped for your

For a long time before you came to us.

You will always be ours.

We want you to know that you are fully loved

Fully wanted, fully hoped for.

You will always be loved and accepted

By us, by the ones who chose you.

Welcome to our family.

Welcome to your family,

Our dear child.