I've been sick for weeks, on extra steroids, now dealing with the long term affects of the meds, including how they adversely affects my emotions. Sometimes my life and emotions seems one big response to medication. Am I even in there somewhere?
I've been feeling like Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. If you've never read that book, you should. He keeps saying he's going to move to Australia. I have no desire to run away to Australia; that's a really long plane flight and I get sick on planes. However, I might be inclined to make several of his facial expressions.
I can't keep up. I finally admitted it. I'm not getting enough rest, not getting better, dreading the weeks of tapering down that are coming once I do get well. Dreading all the drug withdrawals and still having to function when I just want to run away.
Instead of setting up a tent in my backyard, or moving to Australia, I asked my husband if I could check into preschool for Hope. She's my 4-year-old who is still at home. She's awesome, but not one for entertaining herself, and she's been getting the short end of the stick for months as I've battled all these chronic health problems. Nearly every day at lunch she prays, "Thank You for this food. Please help Mommy to get better."
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
We hadn't put her into preschool before now because I chose to be a stay-at-home mommy. Not to mention the money. We've been saving to put the kids in Christian school starting this fall, plus paying medical stuff of course, and preschool is expensive. I had checked into it before and it was too much (I'm not a rich and famous author yet =)).
So asking to check into it again felt like a big fat failure on my part. I'm home. What a cop out. But the truth is, right now my illness is winning and I'm losing, and if I don't change something soon, I'm not sure what's going to happen but it's going to be bad. Long-term high steroid use is bad. Being sick for a long time is bad. Everything it does to my emotions is bad for me and everybody in my family. So admitting I might be a better mom if Hope went to preschool a few days a week and I was able to rest was hard, but the truth.
Did God frown and sigh at my weakness? Did He say yes but make sure I knew how disappointed He was?
Nope. I got a message from the lady who runs the preschool less than half a mile from our house. Not only did they have an opening for 3 days a week with no waiting list, but someone had given scholarship money they had not fully used yet and she had been thinking of Hope but didn't want to seem pushy. The scholarship is paying half. Half! It makes the whole thing more than affordable.
God not only gave me a run away; He blessed it. I'm wondering if He'd been just waiting for me to admit that I needed help so He could provide the solution I needed.
I shouldn't have felt guilty for needing help. I should have asked for it long ago. Why is it so hard to admit that I can't handle everything sometimes? Okay, because I'm a control freak. Because I'm a proud, insecure sinner who wants to be competent instead of weak. Who doesn't want to admit I can't do it all--not even close.
I suppose having these health problems will cure me of that if nothing else. Like those women having to leave the camp, I'm forced to stop sometimes. If I keep thinking it's a bad thing, I'll never appreciate it for the gift it is.
Instead of a lecture, God is giving me 3 mornings a week. I'll be able to get more of the rest--physically and emotionally--that I need. Hopefully, it will mean that when my family is home I will be able to be more loving and giving instead of always longing for that little bit of run away.
What about you? What have you needed but not asked God for because you felt guilty? It may be something as simple as some encouragement in your day, or the reminder that you are loved.
After all, God gave us the bodies and personalities they have. He knows the weaknesses that come with them. Why do we try to pretend them away?
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| Seems I'm not the only one who has this problem. |
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| Yeah, that's more like it. |
Trust in him at all times ye people. Pour out your heart before him. God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:8
More on this refuge idea on Friday...
Related Posts: Feel Guilty, Angry, Sick--I Want To Run Away
When It's Just Too Much
I just wanted to be a "normal" mom. My bright, Aspergers, only child who needed to ask questions and talk to me 24/7 overwhelmed me when I just wanted to crawl into a dark hole and hide from the world I felt judged me as "not good enough." I quit my job to be mommy--and couldn't handle my growing health issues and being perfect. We put him into preschool, too. We had no idea how we could pay for it. But a funny thing happened--God took over. He did what I could not do myself. He showed me that He is willing to bless us if we lay it at His feet and admit we are not able, but He is able. I have experienced many occasions in my life where I have been forced to lay it down at His feet. I am a control freak, too. When we say we "give our all" to Jesus, we tend to hold back the control. Sometimes, He has to bring us to the point to where there is no other option than to relinquish that control to Him. When we finally get it, He smiles, picks us up, and blesses our socks off. Love you, Kim. Praying for the blessings to come before you are flat on the floor.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I've learned having half a thyroid left and needing medication for it everyday is that I have no control over my life anymore. It's a leash around my neck I never wanted, but God holds the other end, and that we have control over our lives to begin with is an illusion. God never asked us to do everything. The enemy is the one who tricks us into believing that. I'm glad you're going to get much needed rest now. It is good and right for this season in your life. Thanks for sharing your post on TWV's FB wall today. I'm glad I read it. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kim, I am so relieved for you and cheering for God and his faithfulness and you admitting your need and your sweet girl getting what she needs too. Yah God.
ReplyDeleteYep--another one of those times I look upward and say, in my best Bugs Bunny voice, "I don't know how youse dunnit, but youse dunnit again!" YAY God indeed!
ReplyDeleteThank you all! Yes, I am so blessed and God is so good, and one of these days I'll get to the point where I'm remembering that first instead of last!!! God bless you all with much joy today,
ReplyDeletekim
I can't tell you how many times I've felt this way. When I was at my sickest I finally reached a point where I learned to give it all to God after hitting rock bottom. But now that I'm a lot healthier, I find myself falling back into old traps and trying to do it all and carry everyone. It's starting to affect my health again and scares me the slippery slope I could be on! Maybe that's why God is speaking to me about being "good enough" this year. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI do that, too! As soon as I start feeling stronger, I start adding things and messing myself up again. I really think right now the Lord doesn't give me full health because I can't seem to handle it--I get on my own agenda and don't glorify Him. There's a reason He says His strength is made perfect in our weakness, not our strength! I hope one day to really learn to live well, making the choices that are best, not just the ones that seem urgent at the time. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement, Kim!
ReplyDeleteRemember that dishwasher Brian installed in your tiny Norwalk kitchen? This post reminded me of that. You didn't realty NEED that dishwasher but it gave you more time with your babies and helped when you were sick. I need this reminder too, I'm just not sure what I need to ask for in order to reduce the stress in my body. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great reminder, Katie! I was so thankful for that little dishwasher. And don't worry, Jesus knows what to pray for for you. He knows what you need most!! I hope you see some help coming your way soon.
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