Feel Guilty, Angry, Sick...I Want to Run Away

I'm angry. And tired. And sick.

I'm angry at being tired and sick. I'm tired of being sick and angry. I'm sick of being angry and tired.

That sounds redundant, but it actually isn't. Anyway...

It's been over a month now since I've been on high doses of steroids. There's no helping it. With Addison's, my immune system is compromised, and as long as anybody else in the house is sick, I need to stay on my higher doses until all of us are well again. Being up on the meds has it's good advantages--like not dying and stuff like that. It also has it's side effects--water retention, weight gain, insomnia, poofey face, and this intense feeling that I guess some might call aggression. I think of it as a low-grade anger. Do you know how hard it is to be a good wife and mom when you're ticked off before anybody even starts whining?!

It still creeps me out that JFK was getting shot up with this stuff (plus testosterone) during the Cuban Missile Crisis!

Back to me and my issues. I don't like to admit it, but I've been struggling this round more than usual. It feels like I just can't win. I feel like I'm supposed to be running forward, but all I can manage to do is keep from falling backward, so I'm not gaining any ground but I'm exhausted. I want a break so badly but feel guilty needing one. After all, shouldn't I be able to handle things? Wouldn't God only give me responsibilities I could manage on my own if I'd just quit being such a baby?

Superwoman worker with crown
Supermom!This is not me.

Well, I finally broke down and admitted I needed help. I expected a guilt-trip lecture from God. What happened...well, first let me tell you about the women in the Bible who had cramps.

Yes, I know that sounds like a major subject change, but stick with me.

In the Old Testament, when a woman was on her period, she was required to leave the Israelite camp and remain outside it until she was "clean" again. Since I'm confessing here, I'll admit that I thought that was pretty mean of God. It wasn't their fault they were feeling like crud. To send them away seemed insult to injury.

"Go away!"
However, one day (probably when I had cramps and wanted to run away), I realized what a gift this actually was. For several days out of the month, God gave every woman in the camp a break. She left, got away, didn't have to force herself to respond to "What's for dinner?" or "Honey, do you know where I put my tunic?" or "Mom, the tent's leaking again!"

Wow, can I go, too? My family is wonderful. It's not them. It's me. Now, before you start envisioning me in a tent in my back yard (What a joke. For one, I can't see lugging all my prescriptions and food requirements out there, and for another I think 50 degrees is freezing so it just ain't gonna happen.), I came up with another idea for getting a break.

So finally, after months of telling myself to just keep going, just suck it up, just get over myself, I opened my mouth and said that I was not doing well. I'm not getting better. The steroids make it hard to sleep and I'm very, very tired. My emotions are freaking out and I just need some help with the everyday responsibilities.

Did God give me that guilt-trip lecture? No. What did He give me?

I'll tell you tomorrow...

Related Posts: My Name is Kimberly and I have Addison's Disease

When It's Just Too Much

Urgent Care, Steroids and Antibiotics--Here I Go Again


  1. I love the lesson from the tent in the OT. Great thoughts.

    I thought you would enjoy this blog from my friend, Layne, who lives in Mozambique visiting the sick and dying. It made me laugh.

    Brave Girl, Come Out.

  2. LOVE your interpretation of the women's tent! I suspect my husband wouldn't mind either if I absented myself for a day or two once a month. :)

    I just received a probable diagnosis of one of two possible autoimmune diseases, on top of already-diagnosed Celiac and another inflammatory condition. First-line treatment for either of the new possibilities is high-dose steroids, yay. I, too, feel like if I were stronger, better, faster ;) that I could handle everything. Even as I recognize that I'm being hard on myself, the feelings are still there. Thanks for sharing on the Writers View FB group so I could find this today. Can't wait to read part two.

  3. Lynne, thank you! I loved that post, and I love visuals--that one is going to stick with me. =)I haven't seen the movie yet either, but I love her humongous hair. Thank you again--that really put a smile in my day!

    Jennifer, you cracked me up. Yeah, I've made it one of my lifelong goals that at least one month in my life I'll have handled my PMS so well my husband won't know I have it. At this rate, it's probably not going to happen till after menopause! =) I am so sorry about your health problems, and I know how overwhelming it is to be facing a diagnosis that has no fix-it. We have a Sick & Tired facebook group if you need to come over and vent or get some encouragement! We'd love to have you--it's

    Grace and Peace to you both today!

  4. SO true! A friend of mine, who was a pilot for a major airline, used to tell me, "PMS days? That means Pack My Suitcase! I ask for a 3 day flight to ANYwhere!".

    Having succeeded going thru menopause (that means I didn't kill anyone)I have found I NEED my alone time. I prefer to travel alone, I LOVE to drive with the roof down (yes, even at 50 degrees) and I need to get away. Plain fact.

    Many years of being what everyone else needs has all but destroyed my creativity. What delight to find dormant seeds spring forth now! I do my art, speak about it, and write.

    God knows what He's doing! (I'm so thankful He does--and I don't have to!)

  5. I like to travel alone, too. When I speak, I enjoy the drive to wherever I'm going, but it's hard to explain to Hope, who gets worried that I'll be lonely going by myself. =) I'm glad you're finally getting to cultivate all that laden creativity you've been storing up!!


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