It's not even seven in the morning, but my thoughts aren't letting me sleep any longer, so I decided to come chat with you. It's been a rough night. Stressful dreams. Not sleeping well. My sugar is a little off because I ate too many carbs yesterday (my own fault, I know).
I suppose it would be honest of me to say that I'm struggling. Tuesday I had my big appointments. Today I'm dealing with the unpleasant and previously unacceptable fact of having a life-long disease that has no cure.
The pituitary specialist came in and officially diagnosed me with adrenal insufficiency--or Addison's--and so I get to wear a medical alert bracelet wherever I go and take steroids every day for the rest of my life.
Then the neurosurgeon came in and told me that, who knew if removing the cyst in my brain would fix any of my symptoms anyway, and besides it's too risky because of it's location, so better to just take pills for not being able to sleep, and the headaches, etc.
I can't even express how it feels to have looked for the source of the problem for so many years, only to be finally told what it is and that's it. Live with it. No solution. No fighting it--well, I will be fighting it every day for the rest of my life, but I won't ever be able to beat it.
Feels like defeat. Like giving up. Like some important hope I had just died.
It may sound silly, but I would rather have faced the risks of brain surgery than to give up on hoping there is any chance of getting better.
I know that God knows I'm a fighter, not an acceptor. I imagine He knew that I could honor Him pretty well while facing risks and going through tough times with the purpose of possibility. I guess He decided to test whether I would still honor Him when my hopes just dead-ended and it feels unfair.
God is still good--I know that. There's all kinds of good to be seen in and through this whole thing. But right now I'm feeling . . . grief. Grief over the hopes I still held out for my life. Grief over now knowing that things are just going to be hard--I'm going to keep missing out on weddings and big church events and ministry possibilities. I'm going to have to keep humbling myself and saying no to things I'd like to say yes to, and having to admit it's because I just can't keep up.
I'm going to have to look toward Heaven and my glorified body for so many of the things I had hoped to do.
It could be worse--I know that. My condition is so much better and easier than so many people's. However, I also know the pattern that stretches ahead of me--fighting every day to be as stable as possible, doing pretty good, then getting sidelined by some small factor like a child's runny nose or a humid stuffy building.
You can probably tell by now that this is going to be a hard thing for me to accept. I feel like accepting it means giving up.
So it seems this is my big test. Not whether I can trust God as we walk together down my path, but trusting Him when He leads me onto a path I don't want. Choosing to walk beside Him (or let Him carry me when I'm not strong enough), even though I want to go running the other direction, or start screaming how much I don't like this, or curl up on the side of the road and refuse to move forward.
Right now I need Him to carry me.
Thus, because of these yucky feelings rather than despite them, before God and you, I commit to letting God choose my path. I know I will struggle, but I declare that He is good and I trust His choices for my life. (I don't feel like I do right now, but my emotions do not define my faith).
Having said all that, I'm going to stop talking about how I feel, get out my Bible, and let God renew my mind with His perspective. Thanks for listening, for praying, and for caring.
God bless your morning, your day, and your future with His beautiful, hope-giving presence.