Stuck at a Dead End

It's not even seven in the morning, but my thoughts aren't letting me sleep any longer, so I decided to come chat with you. It's been a rough night. Stressful dreams. Not sleeping well. My sugar is a little off because I ate too many carbs yesterday (my own fault, I know).

I suppose it would be honest of me to say that I'm struggling. Tuesday I had my big appointments. Today I'm dealing with the unpleasant and previously unacceptable fact of having a life-long disease that has no cure.

The pituitary specialist came in and officially diagnosed me with adrenal insufficiency--or Addison's--and so I get to wear a medical alert bracelet wherever I go and take steroids every day for the rest of my life.

Then the neurosurgeon came in and told me that, who knew if removing the cyst in my brain would fix any of my symptoms anyway, and besides it's too risky because of it's location, so better to just take pills for not being able to sleep, and the headaches, etc.

I can't even express how it feels to have looked for the source of the problem for so many years, only to be finally told what it is and that's it. Live with it. No solution. No fighting it--well, I will be fighting it every day for the rest of my life, but I won't ever be able to beat it.

Feels like defeat. Like giving up. Like some important hope I had just died.

It may sound silly, but I would rather have faced the risks of brain surgery than to give up on hoping there is any chance of getting better.

I know that God knows I'm a fighter, not an acceptor.  I imagine He knew that I could honor Him pretty well while facing risks and going through tough times with the purpose of possibility. I guess He decided to test whether I would still honor Him when my hopes just dead-ended and it feels unfair.

God is still good--I know that. There's all kinds of good to be seen in and through this whole thing. But right now I'm feeling . . . grief. Grief over the hopes I still held out for my life. Grief over now knowing that things are just going to be hard--I'm going to keep missing out on weddings and big church events and ministry possibilities. I'm going to have to keep humbling myself and saying no to things I'd like to say yes to, and having to admit it's because I just can't keep up.

I'm going to have to look toward Heaven and my glorified body for so many of the things I had hoped to do.

It could be worse--I know that. My condition is so much better and easier than so many people's. However, I also know the pattern that stretches ahead of me--fighting every day to be as stable as possible, doing pretty good, then getting sidelined by some small factor like a child's runny nose or a humid stuffy building.

You can probably tell by now that this is going to be a hard thing for me to accept.  I feel like accepting it means giving up.

So it seems this is my big test. Not  whether I can trust God as we walk together down my path, but trusting Him when He leads me onto a path I don't want. Choosing to walk beside Him (or let Him carry me when I'm not strong enough), even though I want to go running the other direction, or start screaming how much I don't like this, or curl up on the side of the road and refuse to move forward.

Right now I need Him to carry me.

Thus, because of these yucky feelings rather than despite them, before God and you, I commit to letting God choose my path.  I know I will struggle, but I declare that He is good and I trust His choices for my life. (I don't feel like I do right now, but my emotions do not define my faith).

Having said all that, I'm going to stop talking about how I feel, get out my Bible, and let God renew my mind with His perspective. Thanks for listening, for praying, and for caring.

God bless your morning, your day, and your future with His beautiful, hope-giving presence.


  1. How beautiful to see your heartbreak and yet the faith you carry that WILL sustain you as you trust in the One who knows your body and make-up better than any doctor. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being honest with your struggle.

    Lord, I lift up my sister to you--Father, Your precious daughter, Kimberly Rae. May Your love and power flow into her life like never before. And may she know, without a shadow of a doubt that times are coming when peace and rest are hers. Lord, when the shelter of Your wings surround her, bring joy untold. May her life be a testimony to others that even through suffering and pain, God You still reign Supreme and we will conquer! Father, I thank you for her obedience to You and her love for You. Bless her this day Lord. With peace, love, joy and rest. In Jesus name! Amen!

  2. Father, I come into agreement with Danielle and all she spoke to You. Hold my friend Lord, through this time. Thank you for her transparency. Use her life for Your Kingdom. Show her what you have for her and her precious family. Speak words of truth to her through her little ones. Give her hope for the future that she has in You. Lord, bless her and keep her, make Your face to shine upon her Oh Father, and yes give her peace.
    Love you friend,

  3. Love you, Kim! You are, as always, in my prayers!
    Love, Jenn Olachea

  4. Praying for you! Praying a miracle for your sweet heart!

  5. Oh Kim. Sister, I will lock elbows with you in this journey. I know your pain of having to accept the new direction in life, one that you didn't plan. Two years ago, while doing a super job of getting my weight off after a 23 year struggle, my Mom had a severe stroke at 71 leaving her in a nursing home. In the next 6-8 weeks, I had to pack up her condo, get it cleaned and up for sale while sitting with her in the hospital and then nursing home as she tries to come to grips with what had happened (to date, she is still in denial and feels I'm keeping her there). In those times of packing and moving her stuff, I herniated a disc (L5-S1--at the waist). That was March. June 3rd - I turned 50! Two days before my birthday, I had dime size circles cut out of my cheeks in my mouth as they thought I had mouth cancer. (Don't, it was from leaning on my fist while on the couch April and May and my old fillings rubbed it.) After accupuncture, spinal decompression, medidose packs of steriods, physical therapy, etc. I am now at the point that my choices are have surgery with no guarantees to be better or live with some good days, some bad days. I'm opted for the latter, trying to behave and not lift, bend, twist, etc. to protect that disc so I don't rupture the bulge and then become incontinent and have to have surgery.

    Sorry for the ramble, but just wanted you to know that I truly know what it is like to redefine life as I knew it. I try daily to look at all the things I CAN still do and not dwell on what I CAN'T do anymore. I'm not going to lie, somedays I do better with that than others!

    So, I will join with you as I, too, have gotten back into daily meeting with HIM and let my thoughts be with Him and not me. I grieved not being able to serve in the ways I did, but one of my gifts is Encouragement and it came to me like being hit with a 2x4, I don't need my back to be perfect to encourage others!!! I was so excited and have been looking for any opportunity to encourage someone. Which is really crazy, as I've always done that, but being "broken", I thought I was of no use anymore. Aren't I goofy!

    We are still of worth and value to the Kingdom's worth, Kim, and we will do as He leads! I can see that in you!

    Blessings to you, dear friend,

  6. Tammy, so sorry for all you've been going through! And yet you can still joke about Barbie and the uniboob in the MRI!!! Yes, I too have been struck with the beauty that my most important ministry (writing) is one that I can do curled up in my corner of the couch, whether I feel good or not. God doesn't leave us or forsake us, ever.
    I think I know what I'm supposed to do next--write for all of us! I'm working on a book proposal about a book on having chronic health problems--one that's more fun than deep, more chat with a friend than getting medical advice. I'm going to call it SICK AND TIRED: How to Live Graciously with Chronic Health Problems when you'd Rather just Kick Something! Please add your prayers for God's will on that project!
    Thanks again for all your encouragement. I am glad to have a friend like you!

    P.S. My Mom had back surgery and it was pretty terrible. My husband had back surgery, minimally invasive, and he was out of the hospital within a day and it has been great. Tough decision. I'll pray the Lord shows you what to do!

  7. Praying for your journey. And appreciating you being authentic.

  8. I've been catching up on your story. The first post reminded me of myself. I was unwell for my whole life. Even as a child. But, at 48 I discovered I had celiac. A miracle cure! Too good to be true.
    When my kids were growing up I felt sorry for them. I thought they deserved a healthy mom. When my daughter got a job ministering to seniors I knew she was good at it because she grew up ministering to me but I took no comfort in it. I didn't like it that she had to grow up with a sick mom. But my daughter is wise. She told me that my illness made me a better mom than I would have been had I been healthy.
    You wrote about keeping up with life because your illness didn't show. I did the same thing. Only my family really knew how sick I was and I didn't want to appear lazy. I'm a doer. Had I been as strong as others I would have never sat down. I would have been that superwoman that everyone hates. And my children would have been lost in the shuffle. Instead, I was never far from the couch. I was ALWAYS there for my kids. They were homeschooled so we spent all our days together and I was able to spend thousands of hours disciplining them.
    God had a cure for me, but not until my children were grown. He gave me the desires of my heart. I asked for so many things through the years, including good health, but he only gave me what I REALLY wanted - godly children.
    I clung to the belief that His strength was made perfect in my weakness and, even when I believed there was no hope of getting better I knew that He knew best. I just hope that my story will encourage you. God is giving you and your family what you need - everything you need - and, probably, the (true) desires of your heart.

  9. I just got online and found your post, Truda. I can't thank you enough for your words. What an encouragement! Seems our stories are very similar, and yes, having godly children is far more important to me than having health,and yes, like you know I know if I was healthy I would be doing too much that pulled me away from my family.
    Thank you so much for your encouragement and the grace you sent that blessed me today.


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