This coming Tuesday is my appointment at Emory with the pituitary specialist and the neurosurgeon. Being the type who likes to be prepared for things, I've tried to think through the possible scenarios.
Scenario 1: The doctor says the cyst in my head likely doesn't have anything to do with my chronic health problems and they'll just monitor it to make sure it doesn't grow and take over my head, or something like that. Response: cry
Scenario 2: The doctor says the cyst likely is the source of some of my problems, but because it is in such a difficult place, the risk to try to remove it is not worth the possible benefit, so I need to just learn to live with my condition. Response: cry
Scenario 3: The doctor says there's a chance the cyst is the source of my problems, and he is willing to take it out. Am I willing? Response: Let's do it!
Now, getting to the point where I'm willing to face brain surgery has not been an easy or quick path. I've argued within myself. What if I go through all that expense and difficulty and it doesn't really make a difference? What if the cyst comes back and I face surgery again?
The biggest what if, of course, is what if something goes wrong? Is it right for me to choose brain surgery and face the risks, or is that selfish? What if I didn't make it through the surgery? Isn't it selfish to risk leaving two young children? Having an unhealthy mother is better than no mother at all, right?
Well, as I considered (freaked out a little) over this, God once again reminded me of the truth (He has to do that a lot). My worries said this was all up to me--that my choice was a gamble with ramifications on each side that could be terrible. My worries said everything could go wrong, and it would be all my fault.
Truth, however, said that God is in control of my life, and if I am seeking His will, He will show me the right path. Even more than that, truth reminded me that God knows the number of my days (Psalm 39:4). He already knows which day will be my last. If it is my day to go, my having surgery or not is not going to change that. If it is not my day, nothing I do or don't do is going to mess with that.
What a relief. I am not in charge of this life. Thank God! So I will go forward, asking for His direction, trying to follow His guidelines, and even laughing in the face of brain surgery, because I know He cares for me and will do what is best.
Now, if they tell me either of the first 2 scenarios, then I'll have other issues to deal with. But I know God has truth big enough for those as well.
So, though there are plenty of things to worry about . . .
. . . as my husband likes to say from his days in Australia, "No worries!" I know the One who has everything under control.
And He is good.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10
I'll let you know next week what the neurosurgeon says!