I was listening on the phone as the specialist told me she now wasn't as sure as she had been before. Now that the results were uncertain, she needed to look into whether the problem was really my adrenal glands or my pituitary.
This was a relief to hear. At least she wasn't saying she wasn't sure I had an adrenal problem after all. I do, but she isn't sure which part of my body is the source of the problem.
For those of you who are curious about medical things, here are the facts:
Adrenal Insufficiency means your adrenal glands do not produce the cortisol your body needs to respond to life. This can be caused by the adrenal glands themselves, or it can happen because the pituitary, which is a small spot in your brain that runs a lot of hormones, isn't sending the right messages to the adrenal glands.
If it's not, it's usually for 1 or 2 reasons. 1. A pituitary tumor--usually benign, which is squishing the pituitary and making it not work right. 2. Pituitary malfunction--just means it's not working like it should and there's nothing you can do about it.
So now that she's looking at the pituitary being the culprit, I'm likely looking at 2 main possibilities:
1. A tumor, yes in my brain. This sounds very dramatic, I know, but I can't help but smile thinking I could tell people it really was in my head all this time after all. =) Most of the time pituitary tumors are benign, they take them out, and then the person gets better. After all these years, I can't even fathom what that would feel like.
2. It's not a tumor, so I'm on meds for the rest of my life.
So how am I supposed to pray about that?????
I'm glad I don't have to pick one and then ask God to make it happen. Whatever it is, it's already there. I did my latest MRI this week--the disc is on the table next to me as we speak. We put it in the computer today and let the kids see "mommy's brain." They thought that was cool.
Brian and I looked through the images on the MRI, but of course we can't find anything. That's good because it means there's not a huge, obvious tumor in there. Pituitary tumors, however, are often very tiny and difficult to spot, so even though we looked, we could easily have missed one if it's there.
So now I get to wait, wondering whether there's a tumor in my brain or not. This is a very strange adventure. But I feel like there's the possibility of an answer at the end of this tunnel, and that is a big deal after all these years.
As I wait, I'm praying for the truth. Whatever it is, I want to know the truth, because God says the truth will set me free. I want to know the truth, so I can face it and move forward with my life--either taking the risk to maybe get better, or learning to accept that this is who I am to be for life.
I'm so thankful that I'm not in charge of that decision, or of my life itself for that matter. I'm so glad that my life and my future and my day-to-day health are all in God's hands. They are big and firm and strong. They will hold me up.
Because of Him, brain tumor or not, I am going to be okay.
P.S. I got the report from my MRI today and was totally surprised at what it said. I'm still feeling stunned. Come back tomorrow for the results.